Lebron James has a show on HBO called “The Shop”. It’s a simple concept – folks sitting around a barbershop, talking about life. Some topics are light-hearted; some serious. It feels like sitting in on a casual conversation of really talented people – usually athletes, entertainers and businesspeople –  watching them shoot the breeze.

A few months ago, one of the episodes included Robert Kraft as a guest. 

I’m pretty sure he’s the oldest guest ever on the show. Not that I’ve watched all of the episodes, but at 82 (at the time of his appearance) he’s in the upper echelon for sure. 

For those who don’t know about Mr. Kraft, he’s a businessman from Massachusetts. He handled several business ventures for decades before becoming owner of the NFL’s New England Patriots in 1994. The success of that franchise since then is well-documented. 

On The Shop, another guest Tiffany Yaddish brought up the topic of jealousy. She was mid-thought when Mr. Kraft walked over and handed her a card that he keeps in his pocket at all times. On the card, it reads:

“Jealousy and envy are incurable diseases, and it’s the one time that it’s better to be a recipient than a donor.”

Here’s the interaction on video: 

He went on to call it one of his RKK-ism (his initials) – a philosophy that he lives by. 

There are some key words in his quote: Jealousy, incurable – an ever present psychological condition. Be a recipient, not a donor – receive, but never give. 

My translation: Jealousy is unavoidable. Acknowledge it, but don’t participate. Roll off the punches. 

The subject of jealousy/envy always makes my ears perk up since Charlie Munger taught me that it’s a psychological superpower. And here I see that Mr. Kraft, a wise old guy himself, carries a card around in his pocket to remind himself about the power of jealousy. 

This made me ask myself: Why is jealousy/envy so easy to slip into? Why the need for a constant reminder?

To help me understand it better, I mapped out a framework. I call it The Victim Tornado.

It usually starts with comparison.

Comparison

Our minds have a strong contrast mechanism. Our brains learn and operate by comparison for various functions.

So it’s natural to engage in comparison, especially objective comparison. We see a tree, then we see a different tree – we compare the differences to help us identify which is which. It’s part of basic recognition. This is a transactional form of comparison – it’s emotionless. It’s about comparing things in the natural world – outside of ourselves. 

But then we hear: “Comparison is the thief of joy,” which asserts that comparison makes us unhappy. This refers to subjective comparison.

In our relationships with other humans, comparison is subjective. It makes us feel something about the differences between ourselves and other humans. It’s the opposite of unemotional. 

This is one reason social media is so pernicious. It’s designed to make us compare ourselves to other humans. Constantly. 

Subjective comparison slips into envy.  

Envy

Envy is like when we look at someone and think, “That person’s really good-looking. I need to be that good-looking – or look even better!” We make a comparison – a subjective human comparison – and convert it into a story about ourselves. We make it mean something – in this case that we are less attractive than the other person. 

That’s envy – it takes subjective comparison and converts it into a negative story about ourselves.

Per Charlie, envy is a superpower – a forceful inborn psychological tendency. And if Charlie says it’s a superpower, then we all do it pretty much all the time. Pay attention and you’ll see that your thoughts slip into envy a lot. Definitely everyday. It’s an unavoidable human tendency. 

Envy leads to victimhood.

Victimhood

Victimhood is when our brains take envy’s story and amplify it. 

Victimhood is the bottom of the barrel – the low-thinking vantage point from where everything is someone else’s fault. A point of view where the world has turned against you. 

Victimhood is envy, on steroids. It’s saying ‘woe is me’ in comparison to everyone.

But victimhood gets tiring. The internal dialogue – repeating envy’s story – drones on and fatigues our brain. 

We think, “I’m tired. My life sucks. Why doesn’t anyone else care that I feel this way?” 

This brings about resentment, and resentment is on the slippery doorstep to revenge. 

Revenge

Resentment is when we see others feeling good (or at least looking like it) and it makes us want them to feel worse. We want to take them down a notch. 

Resentment slips into revenge when we ‘take it out on other people’ – an outward manifestation of our negative feelings.  

Revenge is victimhood acted out. This is where toxicity – and sometimes danger – lives. 

Revenge has a few flavors. Sometimes it starts with the light-hearted back-handed compliments, slyly meant to bring someone’s mood down. Or you might see passive aggressiveness – edgy moods, unpredictable behavior. 

And then, revenge can get dark. On the dark side revenge is evil, and violence. Direct toxic assaults on the feelings – or person – of others. 

Revenge is the black hole – the middle of the tornado.

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The Victim Tornado pops up suddenly, charts its own path, and can be really destructive. 

Mr. Kraft’s card is like an early warning system, reminding him to stay out of the way.